Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A Conflict Observed

I can't believe that it has been over a month since I have updated this blog. I have started another blog The Neophyte Counselor that is geared more towards new therapists. But I recently heard that I should be updating this blog a bit more as well. OK, on to today's post.

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Nobody likes conflict. I often hear clients say that they "hate" conflict. We would prefer to go through life without having to say "no", hurt anyone's feelings, or disappoint anyone. But conflict is inevitable. We have lines that are not meant to be crossed. We discipline our children because they have crossed "the line". Most of us have difficulty with conflict because it means that we have to take a personal stand, which is often very uncomfortable.

I recently have walked through a significant conflict. In some ways I expect the conflict to carry on for a few weeks. This conflict has caused heartache, stress, and has affected how I relate to people. It has also taken a tremendous amount of energy, which I suppose I can use as an excuse for not writing more. Without naming names and specifics I would like to share some of my insights of walking through a conflict that made me consider what I value.

After reading Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries I have been encouraging people to set boundaries in their lives. Simply, a boundary is an invisible line that marks where you begin and other people end. It also describes who and what you allow to influence you. Weak or non-enforced boundaries can lead to conflict. If we do not clearly define our boundaries and then enforce them other people are quick to take advantage of them. Setting boundaries, especially if you have never done so, can be difficult as the other people in your life will not like be told that they can no longer take advantage of you.

What have I learned? I learned that if something "doesn't sit right" then something is probably wrong. Listen to your "gut". We usually know when not to do something or when something goes against our values. Secondly, know when to say "no". Even if your "no" is not respected it does not mean that you are wrong. Other people may be trying to force or manipulate you into giving them more time, money, resources, etc. than you are willing to give. Thirdly, only say "yes" when you are willing and able. Do something against your will or out of a sense of obligation produces resentment. Save yourself the trouble. Say "no" in the beginning and risk disappointing someone. People will likely respect you more when you stand up for yourself and define how much time other people can have.

I learned that when I decide to give myself to a project that I must be willing to make a contribution. I must have my heart in it. No one deserves to have a half-hearted team member. I should be willing to work towards the goal of the project, organization, or committee. Not caring as much as I should likely contributed to the conflict more than I realize.

Most importantly, I learned that there is great value in communicating clearly. Words have meaning. Authors strive to have their readers understand what they are communicating. Say what you mean. Do not be vague and hope that the other person "guesses" your meaning. Part of the conflict I have walked through involved each of us not understanding one another. He failed to be direct with me and I failed to listen to his point of view and instead decided to respond with anger. Being direct with other people can be risky. It puts your true feelings out there. Yet, in the long run, people will respect you more because you do not "beat around the bush".

Conflict will happen. We can't control that. But we can control our reaction to it by stating where we stand. By setting boundaries you are being true to your self, which can be unpopular because you will no longer be going "with the flow" but will be deciding your own course.

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